Somehow it seems uniquely fitting to glance away from the keys and see the cold grey light of morning. The weather outside certainly represents how I felt on the inside this very weekend some time ago. My heart stopped beating upon hearing the news, and in an instant…nothing else mattered. I’ll never forget these three days, though I’d like for nothing else. The person writing today did not exist until that time. So perhaps in a strange sort of karma-type of way, it was meant to be like this.
Standing tall while accepting a baseball bat to the kneecaps would be the best representative for the triple play of time we were cursed with. One way or another, it happened. I’ve relived it in detail over and repeatedly through the years via my typed words. There are times when I amaze at our strength yet also continue to shake my head at our inability ever to get hold of our adversity journey fully. We probably never will and are not supposed to.
There is another family in a hospital somewhere right now who just received the same jarring news as we had. For them, their life will change forever at the ending of May. The unfairness of it all will consume them, as it did us. Sleepless nights shall become the norm, as the shell of their current sense of self will also begin to shed, just as ours did. In three days, no longer will it be useful. Families will collapse, and they will gather. Nightmares will begin to manifest when eyes are wide open. They will try to find the logic for it all, just as we had done.
And so, it starts.
When at your lowest point, it is normal to question the universe, ourselves, or our individual god. We always want to know the grounds why. The logic behind being chosen to carry the load for more difficult trials throughout life. Answers to how we are deserving for great misfortune to follow us, for what seems to last forever. I asked these questions to the blue mix of clouds on many occasions but have yet to receive an answer. I also know there will never be one forthcoming. I still pose inquiries to the ethos as so many other people are doing this very instant.
When downtrodden, the world can come quite unforgiving in its purpose. It may seem as though the deck of chance is constantly dealing us crappy hands over and over again. We frustrate and trudge along defiantly- because there is no other way to go about our day. We spend many endless hours in a hazed aura of bewilderment. When bad things happen, we forget – reason tends to fly away because nothing makes sense when you are low.
Tears somehow become endless and prone to the littlest of triggers. At first, they remain hidden in vain for as long as possible. For many, it is an avoidance behavior. Emotions tend to confuse in the initial stages of critical adversity. Eventually, we succumb to the reality that salty drops make it all real, and we accept them for what they are.
Lately, I know of many people in my circles who are in great emotional pain. They, too, are wrestling inside, just as we did. Searching for answers which have no solution. Questioning their inner strength and apparent lack of fortitude to proceed wholly. I empathize with their plight but also know mine is far from over.
The best I can offer to those who are struggling is; Adversity is a process that must unfold under its own terms and conditions. Each year at this time, it all comes back full circle. But each year, I still even learn a bit more about myself.
Our life journeys demand we allow the darkness to fall fully before the first light ray can be exposed. When you are at a low point in your life, inhaling a normal breath can take effort. The future may seem to be bleak, while the immediate too can become overwhelming. The wooden planks beneath our feet become the landing spot for tired energies to recharge ever so slightly. But realize, too, all hope is never lost.
On this very weekend some time ago. I learned a most valuable lesson. It was delivered to me from a little voice deep inside. I heard three words “miracles can happen.”
Somewhere in-between hearing the phrases “there is nothing we can do” and “we will keep him comfortable,” I instantly knew it was ok to believe in the unbelievable. From there, we never looked back. We are the Morrison family.
And in this house, we never stop believing.
Don’t give up. Ever.